Singular Sensations

This first installment of my new dating series is neither sensational nor speedy, but I think it’s the most important step toward finding one’s soul mate. After all, if catchy, quick fixes for our love lives really worked, the thousands of self-help books out there would have married off far more people long ago. So, what exactly is this big yet boring step to love? Learning to embrace life on our own. I know this sounds trite and downright infuriating to those ladies and gents who’ve been one with themselves for-frickin-ever and are tired of playing solitaire, uneasy in their easy chairs (jazz reference – had to, sorry), but there are so many people on the dating scene right now who are capable of doing almost anything other than being alone. If you are not one of these people, rest assured that more nitty-gritty dating tips will follow on Fridays yet to come, but in the meantime I hope you find at least a smidgen of entertainment and/or illumination in the following tips…

Seven Steps to a Smashing Single Life:

1. Only go out if you want to. One of the cruelest jokes of single life is that you have to leave your ice cream, couch, and sweatpants at home in order to go out barhopping, even if all you want is to meet someone with whom you can wear sweatpants, eat ice cream, and snuggle up on the couch for all eternity. Man, I hated this when I was single. Who says you really need to spend all your free time clubbing, though? If you love going out with friends because you adore dressing up, dancing, and schmoozing, then – by all means – keep on doing it. Do it because you love nightlife, not because you’re hoping to meet your mate while out. If you’re more the wallflower type, you’ll likely shine brighter if you snuggle up with Ben, Jerry, and a few hours of online dating programs anyway.
2. Work your passions and percentages. Do you ever hang out with someone just because he makes a good wing man, or do you take dull adult-ed classes just because Cosmo says you should? Unless these people/activities are yielding seriously desirable results in your romantic life, you should ditch them and spend your time with people/places/things you actually love. After all, does hanging out with an irredeemable tool or spending hours in a Pokemon-inspired-soap-carving class really send the right messages to our potential mates? If not, it’s time to play percentages, cut our losses, and embrace our passions. Think of it this way: unless you’re one of those people who absolutely adores baking, would you ever make a batch of cookies from scratch unless you were 99% sure you’d have a yummy dessert to snack on afterwards? We should only engage in other activities we’re less than fond of if they have this kind of return on investment, too.
   
3. Play “Would you rather?” Make a list of all the people you’ve ever dated and all their flaws (maybe even add jerky movie/literary characters into the mix), and then ask yourself whether you would rather spend all eternity stuck with one of them or live life single…I mean, just imagine if Elizabeth Bennet married Mr. Collins (the boring, brown-nosing minister) instead of holding out for Mr. Darcy. Unless a life of giving Mr. Collins foot baths and being a subservient church wife is your dream come true, I’m guessing singledom is looking pretty good right now.
4. Take up old and new hobbies. Between work, stalking celebrity crushes, and going out to bars, it’s almost impossible to find time for hobbies, am I right? But, it feels so damn good when we finally learn French or remodel our kitchens the way we’ve promised ourselves we would for years. When we take up long-forgotten childhood hobbies, this feel-good factor almost triples. For example, I rediscovered my passion for rollerblading and ice skating once when I was going through a rough break up, and it not only felt amazing to get into the swing of my favorite sporty pastimes, but I also felt reconnected with the innocence and wide-eyed dreaminess of my youth. This made me happier as a person, and as an added bonus this passion and excitement spilled over into my dating persona. Nudge, nudge: if you’re brutal about taking steps 1 and 2 on this list, you’ll likely have more time to pursue these kinds of hobbies.
5. Get healthy. The pressure to be fit, trim and worthy of our own magazine covers is crazy when we’re single. So much so that we often forget being healthy and fit is actually one of the most amazing things we can do for ourselves. I’ve known countless people (including myself) who’ve battled the bulge in the name of dating or societal standards, but it’s almost always been by striving for physical health that we’ve been able to maintain our goals in any long-term sense. Does achieving health/fitness goals help make us more appealing to potential mates? Hell-to-the-yes, but that’s not the point. The point is this: when we’re healthy and/or working toward being healthy, we send a message to the world and our hearts that we love life and want to keep loving it until a sassy age 100. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be this kind of 100 year old than that Muscle Milk addict on the arm of that tall blonde behind door #3 of the retirement home.
   
6. Find a job you love. Even if you live to 100, life is too short not to love what you do with the majority of your time. If you aren’t infatuated with your career, at least find a job that allows you to lead a lifestyle you love. Do I really need to elaborate on why being the kind of person who spends time loving his/her life or work is a good thing for you and your dating appeal?
   
7. Up your independence. We all have ways in which we could become more self-sufficient and independent. For some of us this means getting out of debt, learning to kill our own spiders, or breaking into our car with a coat hanger ourselves when we lock our keys inside. For others this merely means becoming comfortable spending Friday nights by ourselves, and for still more eccentric others this means living off the grid and churning our own butter. Whatever you need to do to feel independent and amazing on your own, just do it. This does not mean we need to put our love lives on hold while getting out of debt or building that butter churn, but none of us should ever put our own self sufficiency on the back burner.

Disclaimer to End All Disclaimers: I am not pretending this is a comprehensive rundown on how to be complete and successful as a person – I’m merely trying to cover the little self-improvement steps that get a person ready for a healthy romantic life and long-term partnership. These tips have all been tried and tested by yours truly, and no animals have been harmed in the process. However, several innocent people have either been puked on, broken up with, jilted on disco-bingo night, or eaten alive by mosquitoes at a Jane-Austin-lovers barbecue during the accumulation of above-detailed wisdom, and for this I am deeply sorry. Are there any other pieces of singles’ wisdom I’m forgetting on this list, or any tips about making your own butter churn you feel compelled to share? I would love to hear from you, whether you’re single, married, or entangled in a very complex relationship with a celebrity crush. Leave a comment.

Photo via Pinterest.