Every Hipster Poops

Judging from the title of this post, you may think I’ve scurried off on a tangent and have no intention whatsoever of imparting valuable insight about indifferent exercise today. But, au contraire, the lesser-mentioned bodily functions of the hipster universe are actually a major part of indifferent exercise. You see, when you elect to work out in a more subtle manner than going to a painfully obvious gym, chances are you’re working up a sweat outside and are exposed to all sorts of calls of nature (yours and otherwise). Here are some quick fixes to help keep you burning calories straight on through fields of cow manure, while keeping everyone none the wiser…

• G-Pee-S – Let’s just start by getting this deep, dark, hipster secret right out there in the open: one of the perils of wearing vacuum-tight pants and drinking nothing but coffee is that we need to pee all the frickin’ time. And yet, you never see hipsters waiting with the masses in long bathroom lines. This is because any skinny-jeans wearer worth their salt knows where all the off-the-beaten-path bathrooms are. Many experts use apps, such as SitOrSquat and Have2P, to help them find obscure bathrooms. So, remember to bring your smart phone with you when indifferently exercising. Added bonus: If anyone spots you in a random bathroom along a running trail, you can just tell them you’re scoping it out so you can come back at 3 a.m. and tag it with your street-art signature of a fang-toothed baby in a business suit eating a hamburger.
• You Really Stepped In It – Stepping in animal feces is gross for everyone, but you’re not just anyone and you don’t need to bore all the adoring people who watch your live webcam every second of the day by having a pat reaction to your poop-laden missteps. I recommend remaining stone faced even after you realize your predicament, and walking several yards away from the scene of the accident. Once a safe distance, hop onto a patch of grass, blast “Groove Is In The Heart” as loudly as possible from your phone, and start doing the moon walk. It may feel like you’re causing a spectacle, but you’re just boldly mixing a counterintuitive 80s dance move with a hit song of the 90s. Own it. And, when all the poop is gone from the bottom of your shoe, go carve the words “Latoya Jackson was here” into a neighboring tree.
• For The Birds – There are few things worse than being pooped on by a bird. If you’re lucky and the bird hits your puffy-painted shirt, no problem – no one will ever know the difference. If the bird sullies your shoe, however, I recommend calmly making your way to the nearest puddle. Just stand there for a while letting the water work its magic, wet toes be damned. The beauty of this tactic is: you get to be that bad ass who doesn’t even notice his shoe is in a puddle. Samuel L. Jackson will want to be you.

Psst: In case you missed last week’s tips about indifferent exercise, you can check them out here. Do you have any other secrets that may be useful to coffee drinkers in tight pants? Any specific mysteries of hipster exercise you’d like to see exposed in the weeks to come? Leave a comment.

By the by, the untainted version of the image above can be found on Estonian Style.